Life!!!

This is our plate for the new year ahead. We have each chosen a word we wanted to put on the plate, mine is PERSEVERANCE, to keep on keeping on!! To carry on whatever set of circumstances comes up, and for me to be joyful. That nicely fits in with Ellie's word JOY, which she is and gives to us all! Our own little miracle!Joe wanted GRATEFUL, which he is for all things. He told me the most important thing to him is his Mummy and Daddy. Andy chose STRENGTH,not just the physical but mental aswell. I suppose as a lot of you would say about your own year, we have had an interesting one, I hold to my belief a day at a time, and we have had fun and laughter! Watching Joe play football Saturday mornings has become a regular family event, with Ellie trying to get a football to play with, and then coming home for a bacon butty and a hot bath, to snuggles with Ellie in bed, to seeing Joe in his Christmas Nativity as an alien, don't ask, to cooking Sunday lunches together, to only see Ellie wing it across the table, to sharing midnight feasts, to hot choccy's in bed, or to Joe coming into chat while I'm in the bath, to spending time with family and friends, to spending time away with Andy, all special in their own way!

The year ahead, what does hold for each of us, we don't know. It was brought home to me recently, as I have mentioned to savour each and every moment! My Dad came to visit, he has Alzheimer's and has recently deteriorated rapidly it seems. For me it was the first time he didn't recognise who I was, and thought I was his sister. He seemed sad, and said he was. We were able to talk, hug and cry. My mum is his carer and amazing, eventhough she would say she isn't!
So I am grateful, for Andy, Joe, Ellie, my family and amazing friends, and my life, and to God!
So as we go forward into the New year, don't put things off,say I love you to those special people that we love,not just once,take that time to smile and hug and hold your loved ones close! Take the time to say I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you and it's okay.

To me the secret of hapiness is freedom and the secret of freedom courage! I hope you have a happy, peaceful, and hopeful New Year!!!

Special memories!

This picture was taken by my 5 year old son, really impressed with it!after our midnight feast which was held at about 7ish,couldn't stay up till 12!!!! We had fun, sitting on our bed eating crisps, chocolates, Ellie was keen to hold onto them, and popcorn to, it was a special few moments! We had fun and laughter, all lying on the bed together and chatting, Ellie giggling at what Joe was doing!

Over Advent we have been doing our advent envelopes, inspired by my sister Wendy a couple of years ago. I got organised for it, and wrote a list of what we were doing for each day, but somehow a long the way, I misplaced it, so it is a surprise for us each morning when Joe opens it!!

So for Joe, its a way of counting down till Christmas day, he keeps saying how many days it is to go. I have enjoyed spending time, doing fun things, I suppose we have been preparing for Christmas, which Advent is all about preparation! Suppose it got me thinking, what things I am preparing for? How do I go about it? Is it with trepidation, stress, fearing even?Maybe what I need to do more is live in the moment, and enjoy the times I have, and make those special memories, you don't need much to make a special memory!! So as we awake on Christmas wherever we are, and whoever we are with, make each moment count! We hope to be in Ipswich with Andy's parents, my parents will be with my two sisters and their families, making special memories!! Go out and do it!

Cracked but not broken!!!

I love doing our Christmas Tree, our decorations aren't perfect, or colour co-ordinated, or top of the range, but some are made, and some of them have their stories to tell but all cherished. This is a picture of one of the oldest Christmas decorations we have for our tree. This came from my Grandma, so when I do my tree, it makes me remember of the happy times I spent with her and my Grandad, particularly the Christmas's we had in Aberdovey! The last one we had there was the first one after my Grandad had died,my dad had just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and I was heavily pregnant with Joe, and being tube fed, so there was no Christmas dinner for me! My sister Wendy kept Dad occupied, and my other sister Katy and I cooked, Grandma sat in a chair in the kitchen drinking sherry and delegating!!! My mum was ill in bed! It could have been a tough one, but it wasn't it was a special time, and the last Christmas my Grandma had!We remember it with fondness!
Looking at this bell, you can see some of the glitter has come off and it is chipped and cracked, life can be like that sometimes!
This year we had an extra helper, my niece Hanni. Both her and Joe decorated most of the tree, can't really say that Ellie helped much, at the time she was being a stroppy two year old!!!
So our tree may look disjointed, and maybe abit top heavy but to me it doesn't matter, what matters is it was done with love and by people I love!

Moment by moment!

I love picking up dandelions when they are like this and blowing them and seeing the seeds scatter as the wind takes them, and so does my son, a simple thing giving so much fun! Simple things are the best! Having a midnight snack in bed even when it is not midnight, with your family special moments you don't want to forget, but we don't always have a camera to capture them!
We live in a world where there are so many uncertainties, for me its taking a day or moment at a time and being thankful and greatful.
We all may go through difficult circumstances, or situations, and to me its how I respond to them. You can be going through interesting times and yet can still have joy, happiness is a feeling and joy is deep within!
What a wonderful Sunday lunch we have had today, not because what we had, but a certain little boy helped prepare it with love, what a star, and that we were together, something that you can't take for granted, a moment now stored in my memory.
I know that whatever we face, we won't face it on our own, we have a wonderful loving family and an amazing loving friends! As a family we are fighters!! and will continue to keep on keeping on!
"Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid Lord, for You are with me, your shepherds' rod and staff protect me."
So with that promise what a life we have, live each moment and make it beautiful. What a packed couple of months ahead, my Dad celebrating his 78th Birthday with lots of chocolate he hopes, Ellie going to be 2, and having my sister home for Christmas with her munchie daughter Iona, but not with Charley, but we know he will be with us in spirit!

So much to be thankful, just go out and live your life to the full!

Mountain Top!!!

I have recently spent a week away on a Girls Brigade Camp in Exmouth. We were under canvass, but had mattresses to sleep on, and this year no slugs were seen, this was probably due to the fantastic weather we had!

We all came with our own expectations of what camp would be like. For me it was the first time, so I wasn't to sure of all the routines and things that went on. I had been on Boys Brigade camp a few years ago but knew it would be different.

Found out that quite a few girls don't like spiders full stop! So I did remove and kill quite a few!

What I did see was the support the girls gave to each other, when they were finding it tough, and how caring they could be. In this day and age when the general public don't like the youth, it was good to see a different side.

It was very busy and tiring but so rewarding, my feeling is if you can get through camp, you can survive most things the world chucks out you. In some ways it puts you difficulties in perspective and focus on God.

I have recently read form the book of Habakkuk, just so love the name!! In one chapter it talks of suffering and yes girls struggling to!!! but that the Lord is your strength, he makes my feet like the feet of a deer and enables me to go to the heights', which is where we can go, even though there are tough situations around us!

I hope that you will persevere until the very end,because it is only then that you will find out
that the end is but the beginning, don't hold back and go for life!

Going Too Fast!

Live your life like the wind.
Speed up when necessary, And know when to slow down.
Slow down when life pushes so hard and fast, You cannot consume anymore air.
Slow down when you can't see where you're going, Or where you're coming from.
Take time to stop and realize what you have right in front of you, when you cannot find what you're looking for.
When you cannot find what you want in someone else, look inside of yourself.
Don't sweat the small things, and make the best of the big things.
Cherish the experiences you've had, and use the lessons you've learned.
Our lives are rubber bands,bending and stretching to fit even the most awkward situations.
You can adapt to anything, regardless of its size or shape.
You just have to realize and use what you have in your own hands.

Roller coaster!

This picture was taken on one of those special days you get, at Shugborough Hall just after we had finished our picnic. For Joe a picnic is never quite complete without having cold sausages! It takes me back to my childhood where we crept out of a the caravan we were staying with my parents, and went with our Grandparents to the beach early in the morning, and had breakfast there. The comment was " we be good creepers"! little did we realise that mum and dad were pretending to be asleep! Special memories!
Life is a roller coaster you have your happy times, but there are also sad times! My children have never known my Dad without Alzheimer's.
It was quite poignant for me recently as Joe and I were discussing who he could take to his Father's Day lunch as Andy won't be allowed to have time off!! He looked me and just said grandad won't be able to come will he, he knew. Things would have been so different if Dad was o.k, they would have had so much fun!

So this journey we travel, we all have our difficulties, and sometimes there are no answers to the questions we ask but don't stop asking, be real and peverserve, along with these times there are such special and happy ones, it gives us the hope to continue!
You see the way I look at it perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another and I know I will get there!!

Happy times!

A picture is worth a thousands words, how true that is! What a special day Friday was, so much emotion tied up in it! Katy and Iona arrived from Cameroon! The last time I saw Katy was about 8 months ago, and Iona, well it was the first time!

What excitement there was at the airport waiting for her. Waiting, its the anticipation,we had her plane was coming early, then it had landed, and then her luggage was in the baggage hall, and then she came, Iona asleep in her carrying harness, what a star, and wow so amazing to see my little sis, now a mummy! There was one person missing, Charly put hopefully we will see him soon. My heart goes out to him as he is without his special girls for a month, thank you for sharing them, we so much appreciate it!

So for the next month we are going to see as much of them as we can, so we have lots of memories, lots of happy and special times with them, sharing in their joy of just being together for awhile. I want to bottle this time, and revisit it when things are tough, but for now happy times are here!

I am there

This is a picture of me and my Grandma, and this I think was read at her funeral.







I am there

Look for me when the tide is high
And the gulls are wheeling overhead
When the autumn wind sweeps the cloudy sky
and one by one the leaves are shed
Look for me when the trees are bare
And the stars are bright in the frosty sky
When the morning mist hangs on the air
And shorter darker days pass by.

I am there, where the river flows
And salmon leap to a silver moon
Where the insects hum and the tall grass grows
And sunlight warms the afternoon
I am there in the busy street
I take your hand in the city square
In the market place where the people meet
In your quiet room - I am there

I am the love you cannot see
And all I ask is - look for me.

By Iris Hesselden

My Dad

Today Ellie and I went to visit Mamar as Ellie calls Grandma and Grandad. Joe had gone to the cinema with Andy.
Dad has deteriorated so rapidly it seems, I think of what he was like this time last year and it seems a million miles away!
He now just keeps wanting to go home to Bromsgrove where he lived as a child and doesn't recognise the house he has lived in for the last 42 years. He lives in a world he doesn't remember and he is anxious alot of the time. I try putting myself in his shoes and what a scary journey it is as it will only get worse.
Ellie will never no Grandad without Alzheimer's, she will never know the person he was. She loves him unconditional, and her face lights up when she sees him, and he loves to see her. He loves to see all his Grandchildren. Ellie helps to take his mind off things when he does get anxious, and she loves him to do round and round the garden, and row row row your boat.
This awful disease, is slowly taking my Dad away and I don't want to forget what he was like, the man he was.
I can remember when I was going through a really tough time, the week before I left my husband, my Dad spent most evenings sitting outside my house checking I was alright, he gave me a feeling of being protected and loved. He was the one who took me to the solicitor, and was my taxis service, bless him.
When Wendy borrowed his car, we were going out for a drink, we had to phone in every 15 minutes to let Dad know that we were alright, in the end we couldn't stop laughing, he was always being protective of us and his car!
Lets try and live for the moment!!!

Miracles

One of my little miracles, well if you asked Joe he would say big rather than little as he celebrated his 5th Birthday yesterday!Where have the five years gone? I can remember the evening he was born,it had seemed at some points quite a long pregnancy with me having to have and N.J tube due to hyperemesis, an interesting experience!



Joe came into this world at 8 minutes past 11, we couldn't wait to meet him. He was born a fighter, wanting to get the most out of life and he still does today.



At this time 5 years ago, I didn't have Joe with me, from about 5 minutes after delivery he had be rushed down to intensive care as he had stopped breathing. We were numb struck! His left lung had collapsed and his right one didn't look to great either. I saw him at 1 in the morning in intensive care, he was huge compared to the other babies as they were prem. Joe never lost his birth weight, and to the amazement of everyone he was well enough to come out of hospital a week later on my birthday, the best ever birthday present , nothing will ever compare to that.It has been a an adventure seeing him growing up and to see he develop, I love him with every fibre of my body and will do forever! We have the saying I love you more, and Joe always says more than icecream and so it continues!


Every day with Joe is full of life, he lives it to the full and is so excited by it! What a wonderful way to be! As I say that, it is 6am, he didn't get to bed until late and he has just come down. He is excited about going to Jenny P's today. He is sitting on my lap give me lots of kisses.

Life is a miracle lets make the most of it!